Have you ever been in a situation where you're torn in between your parents and your siblings? Or having the difficulty to believe either of your siblings? Well, that kind of explains the pain I am in now.
I grew up in a simple but happy family. We were not rich, but father worked hard, he made sure that we had enough to eat. My friends might see me as the quiet, reserved one, but at home, I was the one who talked a lot. My parents and younger siblings were my listeners. I would tell them about the things that happened in school, who's the smart one in class, who did better than me in exams and the likes. I tell them everything, basically everything. Did I tell you I was closer to my father, than to my mother?
I was not the super-smart one in class; I was in the best class in school. In the best class, I was the average student. My parents had never forced me to study. There were a couple of times when I got caught talking and laughing with my sister in our room by our mother. But I was smart, she didn't scold us when she saw my Geography revision book on my lap (the proof that I was studying). I was quite close to my sister, being 4 years older than her. I think we were closer than sisters who were born 1 or 2 years apart as they would probablybe close rivals.
Anyway, I excelled in both UPSR and PMR. My parents were very proud of me. I could see it in their eyes when I told them my exam results. Then, SPM came about. I did quite well, I must say. Considering the fact that I cried while I did my Add Maths homework most of the time, I did quite well in SPM and I got a credit for it. My father was there when the results were out. I looked at him and told him what I got. To my disbelief, the only thing he said was, 'That's it? Only that?' Boy, was I sad. I felt like crying there and then but I fought back. Only God knows how hurt I was.
After SPM, I worked for a couple of months. Then I got offered to go to Labuan for my matriculation. I was happy there, despite some bitter memories that happened. I was happy being away from home because when I went home during the short holidays, my family treated me extra nice.
After 1 and a half years of matriculation, I was offered to do a degree in Unimas. 3 and a half years of great experience for me; not all sugar and spice and everything nice, but it was the best years of my life, ever. Being nearer to home has its pros and cons. But I'd like to focus on the cons. My family didn't miss me much because they could meet me every weekends. It was very different compared to when I was studying in Labuan.
And then came problems in my family. My sister started rebelling, which made my parents moody and unhappy. When my parents were unhappy with my sister, my brother and I became victims. I was very open with my feelings, especially when I thought I shouldn't be treated the way I was. My mother was always cranky and she nagged so much. On her good mood days, I'd become her listener. But no one listened to me anymore at that point. I fought with my sister over little things; it was very painful to see everything changed from good to bad.
At one point, I even thought about suicide. I was really sick, couldn't go to class. I was in bed for about 2 days at hostel. I was actually tempted to swallow the pills; I wanted to be overdosed so that I would just die and everybody would miss me. But then, I heard one voice inside of me that said no. I started thinking, what if it's not worth it to die? What if no one misses me? I'd be a burden to my family. Since that day, I never ever thought about doing stupid things like that anymore.
After graduation, I thought I was free. I thought everything that happened in my family had become better. Or at least I thought I could live and ignore the fact that my family's growing apart. But no, home was like hell after graduation. It became worse when I was at home. My parents pressured me to get a job, my sister was giving even more problems; it was driving me crazy. Furthermore, my mother was constantly nagging at me for reasons that I didn't think was rational. I had to rely on my diary, where I pour my heart out every day. I started reading the Bible, for comfort and strengths. I was lonely, even though I could still joke around with my siblings and occasionally, my parents. But that was it, it was like a movie, I was wearing a mask so that people wouldn't know what I was going through. I was jobless for about a year, imagine that. Having to think and worry about so many things, life, family, job. It was damn painful.
I prayed every day for God to show me the way out of that life. Then one day, I got the answer. I was offered to do a course in KL and it was fully sponsored. I took it, it was what I wanted, to be away from home once again. I was in KL for about a year and a half before I went back for Christmas 2006.
During that one and a half year, I had to listen to my mother complaining about my sister's behaviour and had to entertain my sister's SMSs about the problems at home. I was there for them all along. I thought about them all the time and worried about them too, naturally. I had to listen to both sides but what they did not know was, I had problems believing either side. I was torn, like what I said at the beginning of my story. I was torn in between believing my sister or my parents. I still am, actually.
But now I think I'm coping well, thanks to Colin, my guardian angel, my pillar of strength, my confidante. I decided not to meddle in between my parents and my sister's problems. But at the same time, I will always be there for them, should they need an ear. I pray to God that He would just show them a sign, help them to realise how important the family is, and how unfortunate it will be when it's already too late to even say goodbye.
Disclaimer: There's more to it than this. It's just too painful to even recall. But whatever your comments will be, I appreciate it very much.
I grew up in a simple but happy family. We were not rich, but father worked hard, he made sure that we had enough to eat. My friends might see me as the quiet, reserved one, but at home, I was the one who talked a lot. My parents and younger siblings were my listeners. I would tell them about the things that happened in school, who's the smart one in class, who did better than me in exams and the likes. I tell them everything, basically everything. Did I tell you I was closer to my father, than to my mother?
I was not the super-smart one in class; I was in the best class in school. In the best class, I was the average student. My parents had never forced me to study. There were a couple of times when I got caught talking and laughing with my sister in our room by our mother. But I was smart, she didn't scold us when she saw my Geography revision book on my lap (the proof that I was studying). I was quite close to my sister, being 4 years older than her. I think we were closer than sisters who were born 1 or 2 years apart as they would probablybe close rivals.
Anyway, I excelled in both UPSR and PMR. My parents were very proud of me. I could see it in their eyes when I told them my exam results. Then, SPM came about. I did quite well, I must say. Considering the fact that I cried while I did my Add Maths homework most of the time, I did quite well in SPM and I got a credit for it. My father was there when the results were out. I looked at him and told him what I got. To my disbelief, the only thing he said was, 'That's it? Only that?' Boy, was I sad. I felt like crying there and then but I fought back. Only God knows how hurt I was.
After SPM, I worked for a couple of months. Then I got offered to go to Labuan for my matriculation. I was happy there, despite some bitter memories that happened. I was happy being away from home because when I went home during the short holidays, my family treated me extra nice.
After 1 and a half years of matriculation, I was offered to do a degree in Unimas. 3 and a half years of great experience for me; not all sugar and spice and everything nice, but it was the best years of my life, ever. Being nearer to home has its pros and cons. But I'd like to focus on the cons. My family didn't miss me much because they could meet me every weekends. It was very different compared to when I was studying in Labuan.
And then came problems in my family. My sister started rebelling, which made my parents moody and unhappy. When my parents were unhappy with my sister, my brother and I became victims. I was very open with my feelings, especially when I thought I shouldn't be treated the way I was. My mother was always cranky and she nagged so much. On her good mood days, I'd become her listener. But no one listened to me anymore at that point. I fought with my sister over little things; it was very painful to see everything changed from good to bad.
At one point, I even thought about suicide. I was really sick, couldn't go to class. I was in bed for about 2 days at hostel. I was actually tempted to swallow the pills; I wanted to be overdosed so that I would just die and everybody would miss me. But then, I heard one voice inside of me that said no. I started thinking, what if it's not worth it to die? What if no one misses me? I'd be a burden to my family. Since that day, I never ever thought about doing stupid things like that anymore.
After graduation, I thought I was free. I thought everything that happened in my family had become better. Or at least I thought I could live and ignore the fact that my family's growing apart. But no, home was like hell after graduation. It became worse when I was at home. My parents pressured me to get a job, my sister was giving even more problems; it was driving me crazy. Furthermore, my mother was constantly nagging at me for reasons that I didn't think was rational. I had to rely on my diary, where I pour my heart out every day. I started reading the Bible, for comfort and strengths. I was lonely, even though I could still joke around with my siblings and occasionally, my parents. But that was it, it was like a movie, I was wearing a mask so that people wouldn't know what I was going through. I was jobless for about a year, imagine that. Having to think and worry about so many things, life, family, job. It was damn painful.
I prayed every day for God to show me the way out of that life. Then one day, I got the answer. I was offered to do a course in KL and it was fully sponsored. I took it, it was what I wanted, to be away from home once again. I was in KL for about a year and a half before I went back for Christmas 2006.
During that one and a half year, I had to listen to my mother complaining about my sister's behaviour and had to entertain my sister's SMSs about the problems at home. I was there for them all along. I thought about them all the time and worried about them too, naturally. I had to listen to both sides but what they did not know was, I had problems believing either side. I was torn, like what I said at the beginning of my story. I was torn in between believing my sister or my parents. I still am, actually.
But now I think I'm coping well, thanks to Colin, my guardian angel, my pillar of strength, my confidante. I decided not to meddle in between my parents and my sister's problems. But at the same time, I will always be there for them, should they need an ear. I pray to God that He would just show them a sign, help them to realise how important the family is, and how unfortunate it will be when it's already too late to even say goodbye.
Disclaimer: There's more to it than this. It's just too painful to even recall. But whatever your comments will be, I appreciate it very much.
6 ramblings:
I think most children in the household tends to experience what you just described, albeit on different levels. It happened to me and is still happening though in my case it's not up to your extent. You're very lucky to have a supporting bf who understands you. Suicide is an easy way out but I guess that'll only end up hurting your loved ones more than you think it would. Of course you are loved, by god, by your bf, by your friends. Hope things will turn out ok for you. Good luck!
leenmafia: Thanks, I am doing great now. And yeah, we're all loved. It's just that sometimes, I tend to forget to count my blessings.
Hi Debs! You be strong ya, I understand how you feel.
It was nice chit-chatting with you yesterday. Sayang we cannot chat longer, coz I need to go home.
You take care ya! God bless You! =)
k-wen: Thanks, it was nice for me too. Hope to chat with you soon. And thanks for taking your time reading my long post. You take care too.
Wow, so sorry you have to experienced that Debs. I know my parents love me. But my mom always compares me with my sis all the time. Even if I did something nice to her, she never remembered. Makes me nuts!
Well, not thinking of suicide, but sometimes I wanna go to a quiet place and screaaaaammm.
I wish there's a Barbieland in this planet :(
Nita: So sorry for you too. I know my parents have compared my younger sis to me, I pity her. They love me but they don't really show it. =) But I'm grateful. You should be too!
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